Do We Choose Unhappiness?

Reflecting on some convos with clients from yesterday. The question came up —

“Dr Kristy, I don’t understand what you mean when you say that we create unhappiness. Doesn’t unhappiness or happiness naturally come depending on circumstances? Something good happens and so we are happy. Something bad happens and then we are unhappy. Out of our control, isn’t it?”

NOPE. Not out of our control at all!

When you have made your current life circumstance to be your enemy, you are creating unhappiness. Whether a situation is objectively or subjectively deemed to be “good” or “bad” doesn’t matter; how you feel about it doesn’t matter; the details of what’s happening doesn’t even matter. It’s your resistance to its occurrence that’s what’s relevant.

Because in resisting what IS, you create a conflict between the actuality of a moment and your internal space. And therein that conflict lies negativity. You see, Life circumstances are what they are. They don’t in and of themselves create pain or suffering or stress. The minute we resist what is happening, we instantly create the suffering.

Resistance creates a state of internal conflict, imbalance, dis-ease, and overall unhappiness. Not to mention that resistance is wildly ineffective, as it doesn’t get us what we want. In fact, what we resist ultimately persists.

The more we try to deny or avoid or wish for something other than what is actually happening, we will suffer.

“But Dr Kristy, I’m so stressed out by all that I have going on so I can’t possibly be happy!”

If you’re feeling “stressed out” it’s because you want to be anywhere other than right where you are. Wanting things to be different. Feeling overwhelmed by the things that are happening around you and the daily responsibilities inherent in living your life.

But It’s not the responsibilities that are drowning you. 

You’re drowning in your own self-created reactions of misery and suffering. And then you feel angry, frustrated, annoyed, or depressed. And then you don’t want to feel that way. So you create more resistance! And to avoid the feelings of drowning and to get back afloat, you seek a life preserver —sometimes alcohol, drugs, food, video games, movies, procrastination, all to avoid the heaviness of the resistance that you yourself have created!

Accept the moment for what it is right now, With neutrality. The moment and it’s circumstances Are not good, and not bad. Circumstances are what they are. And You are either accepting the moment or resisting it. Acceptance always yields peace and contentment. Resistance always yields discontent, unhappiness, and pain.

Which will you choose?

And Speaking of happiness—Happiness isn’t an outcome or a destination or a condition. I hear all the time—“If this happens then I will be happy.”

No. It doesn’t work that way. Well, not to attain true happiness, anyway.

Happiness is always available to us because It’s a conscious choice. And each moment offers us an opportunity to make this choice.

When we allow, and are moving with the ebb and flow of life rather than resisting against it, we experience inner peace. Inner peace automatically yields a state of true joy and graceful abiding.

And if we need to take action, doing so from a place of calm abiding versus frenetic fear is always the way. Accept what is, see it through neutral lenses, and only then can you make a rational decision about how to proceed if necessary.

And in those situations you really only ever have two choices—change the situation and then move on. Or accept the situation completely. Both in your control.

?If you’re “unhappy,” return to the present moment and stop creating “if/then’s”.

?If you’re “stressed,” stop wanting to be anywhere but here.  The there doesn’t even really exist. The here is all that’s real.

?If you’re “suffering,” stop resisting. What you resist persists.

Accept what is….and let go of everything else.

If happiness is what you seek, now you have the formula, should you choose to accept it.

Xoxo Dr Kristy

Dr. Kristy Vanacore

Rewild for Wellness

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