It’s only a matter of time till one becomes exposed.
Till the realization that we have been hiding behind self-created smoke and mirrors shatters us into millions of sharp-edged pieces.
Till the harsh reality that we have been the masterful creators of the artful deceptions we hide behind burns us at the stake.
While most of this illusory world prefers to talk about concepts like manifestation and creation, they forget that what precedes it is the thing they fear most: destruction and death.
Nobody wants to talk about the insidious process of dying that starts with confusion, anxiety, depression, agitation, and cyclical states of wired and tired, frenetic, exhausted, spun out, dissociated.
Nobody wants to talk about how the destruction begins when we run on empty, not even sure what we are actually running from, and even more clueless about what we might be running towards.
Nobody wants to acknowledge the impending death that will surely come as a result of a once controlled fire eventually raging out of control till the point of burn out.
Nobody wants to talk about this because we have been trained to have it all together. We have been domesticated to believe that we are super humans who can feel Nothing and even defy death. So we fear it. And we run like mad cowards away from the truth forgetting that once flames are ignited, they spread and eventually engulf.
I became that mad coward, running away from the imminent flames of burnout while hiding behind a mask that was robbing me of oxygen.
Claiming to know when I didn’t.
Claiming I didn’t know when in fact I truly did.
Creating multitudes of distractions at every turn in order to avoid being still with myself.
Carefully constructing an illusory world of niceties and safeties.
Spinning tangled webs of conflict, problematic scenarios, and cunning conundrums that conjured internal tumult and turmoil, and then lamenting about my life’s “complications”.
Denying the presence of my own darkness that took residence within me, obscuring the vividness of my heart and the fortitude of my core.
And all the while I was Suffocating my pain to create the illusion of joy.
Stifling my desires to appear grateful and content.
Siphoning oxygen from outside sources to seem alive and activated.
Outwardly showing peaceful provisions while blood curdling rage and agonizing grief and despair were percolating internally.
Shaming myself for what I truly knew to be the most authentic communications from my heart, the most sage advice from my higher self, and the most assuredly valid directions from my intuition.
All in the name of doing the right thing.
All in the name of keeping the peace.
All in the name of keeping on keeping on.
All in the name of keeping up with appearances.
All in the name of having it all together.
All in the name of pleasing everyone else.
All in the name of maintaining comfortable yet outdated patterns.
All in the name of staying calm.
All in the name of living up to expectations.
Yet all the while all these beliefs about right and wrong, expectations, were all creations of my own.
And what I actually feared most wasn’t what others thought of me, it was what I thought of myself.
Fearing most my own truth; My own raw existence.
The day we realize we have been the creators of our own suffering, is the day we can begin to heal.
The day of healing begins when we can fully own the fact that we ignited the flames that burned us out with our very own two hands.
But it’s ok. Because surrendering to death is truly the only way to create new life.
Burning out is really a burning away of all the falsities so that we may confront the truth of what has been hiding underneath.
It’s an honesty unlike any other.
A truth so raw, real, and radical.
The only way to live is to let the suppression, repression, denial, avoidance, all die, knowing that it’s what’s actually been killing us all along.
A major component of ReWilding is returning to the wildness of ourselves—allowing all of our emotions, all of instincts, all of our longings and desires and cravings, all of our deeply held intentions, all of our scars, blemishes, and wounds to be revealed. Giving life to our wildest dreams and whims and creativity, as well as the darkness, rage, and despair.
Domesticating them by taming them into submission exhausts, depletes, and eventually kills us. And we do this because we are afraid that we are wrong, too much, too little, we are afraid that we don’t have it together.
We are Afraid of our fear! Ashamed of our own shame! Depressed by our own depression. Grieving our own grief!
And when it gets too much to bare we numb ourselves with medications, alcohol and drugs, superfluous knowledge from the “gurus,”busying, overcommittments, diving into “spiritual practices” —hiding behind ceremonies and teachings that are only distracting us further, and further fanning the flames that will eventually lead to our own demise.
All the while we are anesthetizing the very emotions that are there to amplify our consciousness!
Burning out and burning away is the only way to crack us open and reveal the truth of ourselves.
Feeling the flames Synge our skin, witnessing the intensity of the heat shrivel Up and disintegrate our once iron-clad armor, smelling the burn of the lies we created as shields, and sensing that all that’s left of the persona we once embodied are clouds of smoke, is absolutely horrifying. And in that moment of paralyzing terror, while standing in the deepest darkest underworld of our own existence, we are actually set free.
A new day comes. I am born again and ready to pull apart the veil, step into the light, and allow myself to be a raw unfiltered embodiment of truth. Allowing the light to completely illuminate what I once considered most atrocious blemishes that I vehemently denied. Allowing my inner energetic river to flow freely, guided by love, imbued with truth, and essentially beautiful. I shall wade in it’s waters and allow them to wash over me.
Fire and Water. Elemental power.
And so it is.
Xoxo
Dr Kristy
