An Inside Job

“When things change INSIDE you, Things change AROUND you.”
I spent years believing that to feel “good” my life needed to look a certain way. My house, my kids, my marriage, my career, My friendships, my physical body, it all needed to look a certain way. And when it didn’t, because well let’s face it, things don’t usually go according to plan, I would freak out.
My state of being was contingent upon external circumstances.
I learned a long time ago that we can’t change other people. We can’t stop circumstances and happenings from occurring. But my mood, my happiness, my well-being has nothing to do with the people and circumstances around me.
The quality of my life is all in my hands.
It’s all an inside job.
I forget this, a lot, admittedly. Because I am human. I forget. Then I remember. Then I forget again.
I forgot, again, just this week.
When I forget, I am angry, agitated, on edge, disappointed, terrified, and I feel completely out of control. I feel as though a tidal wave has ripped me out into the ocean and I’m drowning. I blame. I accuse. I defend. I pretend. I hide. I run.
When I remember, I am calm, trusting, grateful, comfortable, at ease, and confident. I have compassion for myself and others. I stay. I love. I am love.
Things will calm down only to stir up again. And that’s just life. There will always be sick kids, changed plans, crazy sports schedules, dinners to cook, lunches to pack, disagreements with a spouse or friend, relationships that end, obligations to tend to, deaths to mourn, new beginnings to usher in.
But it won’t last. Nothing lasts. Everything is temporary. Like the ocean waves, It’s all ebb and flow.
I can spend all of my energy and efforts on trying to change the waves, but It’s a waste of time. It’s simply all out of my control.
And sometimes, I’ll admit, that I use the external circumstances as a distraction from what’s going on inside of me—what I don’t want to stop to feel.
The inner work, not the outer work, yields the most results.
The outside circumstances are merely an invitation for us to look inside.
Take a few minutes each day to unplug from the world to sit in stillness and listen. To look at the inner landscape instead of all that we see and are distracted by outside of us.
The inner landscape is the fertile ground for true growth and change.
I have to stop trying to create the life I think I should have and instead Allow and embrace the life that’s trying to enter my consciousness.
And sometimes the seemingly messiest most confusing and overwhelming parts, are the ones that are the most needed. They are the ones that will transform us and crack us open in ways we never could imagine.
But if I’m not quiet. If I’m not seeing. If I’m not listening, these parts can’t land in a way in which I can receive them.
Right now I’m tired. The kind of exhaustion felt deep within my soul that comes from fighting and defending and running. Survival mode. Over-giving. Complete Depletion.
When this happens, I know I need to get quiet. I need to sit in stillness and let these feelings wash over me. I have to confront the parts that are lurking in the shadows. I have to feel them. I have to sit and receive the messages they are trying to communicate.
During this time I have to say no unapologetically to all the obligations. I have to set clear boundaries for myself. I have to take care of myself. I have to drop the masks. I need to listen only to the voice of my higher self, To spirit.
As we are in the thick of the Autumn season—a time symbolic of the preservation of life and its necessities; a time of setting limits and protecting boundaries; a time of moving into contraction and stillness; a time of preparing for hibernation—we all need more quiet.
It’s tough for me to contemplate such concepts as hibernation and quiet, especially with a life that includes two sons who are boy scouts, and musicians, and play travel hockey, a rambunctious 40-pound puppy who just wants to play, and running my own very busy healing practice. There is not a lot of space for quiet in my life.
Yet I know that when I do get quiet and I go in deeper, That’s when I remember-I remember who I am, my greater purpose, my connection to spirit, the calm abiding presence of my soul. That’s when I learn how to receive. That’s when I surrender to the tide. That’s when I feel love coursing through my veins, instead of fear, doubt, and insecurity.
That’s when I’m a better mom. A better healer. A better friend. A better human.
That’s when I experience peace. That’s when everything falls into place. Not when everything around me is calm. Rather, when everything within me is calm.
One of my many favorite nuggets of wisdom from Dr. Joe Dispenza—“you understand that all possibilities exist in the quantum field, then there is already a door you haven’t thought or known about out of the current situation you are in. However, you cannot see the way out of that challenge if you are looking at it every day from the same level of mind, emotions, thoughts, and feelings of the past—in other words, from the same level of consciousness or unconsciousness.”
When everything is noisy and chaotic, Internally and externally, Close your eyes, and shift your gaze inward to shift your level of consciousness.
Go in. Go deep.

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